Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Bar jokes

Another joke 'collecting box', to add to the one I've been running for the past few months here (originally/primarily for Irish jokes, but now for pretty much whatever takes your fancy).

Since this is a bar-themed blog, I thought it would be appropriate to accumulate some bar-themed jokes.

The "animal goes into a bar..." genre is a particular favourite of mine. The classic example of this is, of course:

A horse goes into a bar and orders a double whisky.

"There you go," says the barman. "But tell me, why the long face?"

And then there's this variation, which I like even better.

A polar bear goes into a bar.

"What'll you have?" says the barman.

"Oh, I'll bear scans the spirit bottles on the optic and the shelves for several seconds before making up his mind)......... oh, can I have a gin & tonic?"

"Of course you can, sir," says the barman. "But tell me, why the big pause?"

There are some in this genre involving people rather than animals.

Quasimodo goes into a bar.

"God, I've had a terrible day at work," he moans. "Give me a large whisky."

"Of course, sir," says the barman. "Any particular brand?"

The hunchback ponders his options for a moment. "Oh, the Bell's, the Bell's."

And then there are the really silly ones, like this.

Shakespeare goes into bar.

"Get out!" roars the barman. "I've told you: you're Bard."

A few years ago I even invented one about the bingmayong, the famous Terracotta Warriors of Xi'an.

A terracotta warrior goes into a bar.

"Will you have something to drink?" asks the barman.

"I'm afraid I can't," replies the warrior.

"Why not? Are you on duty?" asks the barman facetiously.

"No," replies the warrior, irritatedly. "I'm made of terracotta, aren't I?"

You get the idea. The great surrealist gag from Tommy Cooper that I posted a week or two ago would fit here as well. What are your favourites?? Please, add them to the 'comments'.

"And if you're looking for your friend, the playwright - I threw him out ten minutes ago."


Anonymous said...

Well, I guess I'll get this started. and considering I never did leave my mark on the other joke box, this seemed like a good one:

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Froog said...

Yes, that's a good one, Tulsa - but I think it more properly belongs in the 'Irish' strand.

Froog said...

Here's another Ronnie Corbett classic.

A businessmen goes into a hotel bar to celebrate clinching a big deal. He soon gets quite high on cocktails, and finds himself flirting with the very sexy woman perched on the barstool beside him. Yes, she's probably a pro, and he's got a wife waiting back home for him, but he's intoxicated with his success..... and he gets carried away. One thing leads to another, as the saying goes. They take a hotel room together, and he enjoys some of the most wild, unrestrained, acrobatic sex he's ever had in his life.

The next day he wakes up, and is stricken with remorse. He is pale and exhausted. Most of his clothes are torn. He is covered with bruises and scratches. His money and credit cards are gone. So is the girl.

At least he still has his car keys, so he drives home - worrying all the way about how he is possibly going to explain this to his wife, who he didn't even tell he was going to be home late.

As he's walking forlornly up the path to his house, inspiration strikes. When his wife opens the door, he cries, "Don't pay the ransom, darling - I've escaped!"

Anonymous said...

of course it could fit in the Irish-box. hence my preamble about never leaving anything over there...

Froog said...

Your observation that you never have done so far doesn't really explain the fact that you're still not going to now. Not so much a preamble, more of a pre-ramble?

'Confused', of Liupukang

Anonymous said...


left you something over there. (minus the pre-(r)amble)

Froog said...

Jesus decides it's time for the Second Coming, and America - most powerful country in the world - is of course the natural choice for his touchdown.

He goes into a neighbourhood bar to try to meet some ordinary people.

"Jesus!" exclaims the barman (recognising him from the pointy beard, flowing robes, morose expression, messed-up hands...)

"Please, please, don't make a fuss," says Jesus. "I just want to fit in, and be like a regular person."

"Well, says the barman, can I get you anything to drink?"

Jesus pauses for a moment. "Do you have any wine?" he asks - since that is the only drink he has any familiarity with.

"No," says the barman,"we don't have wine. But we got Budweiser - see what you can do with that."

A 4th July "present" for my American friends!! There are many great things about your country.... but the beer ain't one of them.

Swordsman said...

There were these three pieces of string...

Anonymous said...

Huh? I don't get it. what about the string? And who are you Swordsman?

Froog said...

He's another of the Oxford DC crew, 'associate' of The Cowboy.

And it's a post-modernist sort of anti-joke.....

I had a friend at school who used to delight in short-circuiting well-known jokes: he'd suddenly exclaim, a propos of nothing at all, "My wife's gone to Jamaica!". It would absolutely crack me up.

Will I explain the string joke for you? I'm afraid not.

Anonymous said...

A woman goes into a bar and orders a double entendre.

So the barman gives her one.

anthony said...

The same woman wanders back into the bar a few moments later.

She orders another double entendre.

"What?" asks the barman. "A big one?"

Anonymous said...

My room-mate at Oxford's favourite joke was this....

A white horse goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman serves him and then banters cheerily "You know what mate - we've got a whisky named after you in here"

The horse looks startled and replies "What...'Fred'?"

Anonymous said...

In this one the bar is in one corner of a huge baroque reception room in the American embassy in Vienna. An American matron dripping with jewels is clearly having trouble with the barman and becoming distraught.
A white-haired gentleman, his chest covered in the insignia of noble honours, approaches her and asks if he can be of help:
"Yeah, I wanna Bourbon!"
The old gentleman inclines his head in a courtly bow:
"Would a Habsburg do?"

Anonymous said...

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies, “I think not”, then disappeared.

Froog said...

An oldie, but a goodie, Kim. I can't remember if I might have quoted that one on here somewhere myself.

In similar vein (well, exploiting a well-known figure from history), I rather like this one too - I think it was a cartoon in The Spectator back in the '80s.

The familiar figure of Beethoven is slumped over a bar, with a foaming stein of beer in front of him. The barman is keeping an anxious eye on him, and warns a newly-arrived customer: "That's Beethoven's ninth. He'll start singing in a minute."

Froog said...

And of similar vintage to that, again from The Spectator, just as imported foreign beers were becoming a huge craze in England at the end of the '80s....

A yuppie is holding his bottle of exotic imported beer up to the light, eyeing it suspiciously; then he remarks, "Barman, this lager's out of fashion."

north nowra tavern said...

north nowra tavern
a battery and some sunglasses walk into a bar, the barman refuses service. when questioned why he says mate you're off your face and you, you look like your gonna start something.

Little Anthony said...

Billy Connolly used to tell a story about going to the Olympics one year. He got into the athletes' village, and as he was walking around he came across a bunch of Polish and German athletes all taking a break from practice. They were a mixture of runners, pole vaulters and javelin throwers. He wandered up to one of them and asked "Hey, are you a pole vaulter?" The guy looked at him and said: "No,I'm German, but how did you know my name was Valter?"

Little Anthony said...

The other day I sat opposite a beautiful Thai lady on the underground, and I couldn't help noticing that she was wearing no knickers.

'Oh no' I told myself. 'Please don't get an erection now.'

But then unfortunately she did.

Froog said...


And it occurs to me that these are not really 'bar jokes', Anthony.

I should have transcribed them into the parallel 'Crap Jokes' thread. Sorry.