A sup from the archives: my finest moments on The Barstool

For any new readers who may stumble in here after I called 'last orders' on new posts, this will be the place to start: a sampler of my very best posts from six years of blogging about booze and bars and Life's related complications.

Positive feedback

Some ideas for China-themed computer games that can be played at the urinal (the Japanese have already developed the technology platform!).

And.... they're off!

My evening's entertainment choices - viewed as a horse race.

The Three Month Rule

My key theory on romantic relationships (not that's it's ever done me much good, I must confess).

A 'Haiku Bar' haiku

The relative merits of whisky, wine, and beer - summed up in seventeen syllables.

Improving the odds

I recall the chat-up philosophy of a guy I used to know at university. I'm not sure that it would ever work, but it is an intriguing approach to the problem.

A similar state of drunkenness

I outline the secret of my success at trivia quizzes.

The price issue

I complain that alcohol in Beijing is becoming seriously overpriced, prohibitively so.

Marjorie Daw

A romantic reconnaissance by proxy - no good could ever come of it!

After-love

I am sceptical about a suggestion that the Russians have a word for the emotion you feel for a former lover... but I reflect on the possible usefulness of such a concept.

To stag, or not to stag

I have some strong opinions on the issue of stag parties.

Fragments

Some prime examples of the bizarre, surreal conversations that my friends and I seem to get into by SMS. 'Nanobots can knit!' is one of my favourite lines ever.

The taste of baijiu

One of my 'Weekly bons mots', on China's national drink.

Cynthia??

I am surprised to re-encounter an 'old flame' from my early days in Beijing.

Sudden outbreaks of piety

The strange story of my 'trick leg'.

The watched pot

A heartsick haiku on the most dispiriting of the many abortive romances I've suffered in China.

A slightly blurry recollection of Crete

A favourite anecdote from what was probably my most bibulous holiday ever.

Fidelity - or fatigue?

I find myself comparing my relationships with bars to relationships with women (a metaphor I have returned to).

Your superpower, your nemesis?

A fun reader participation thread, celebrating the blog's 5th anniversary.

Unusual bar promotion ideas

For some reason, this post regularly draws more search engine traffic than the rest of the blog combined.

The Vomit People

One of my most shaming, but undeniably amusing, recollections of my time at university - culminating in an utterly brilliant punchline from a disgruntled service worker.

The spirit of adventure

Another of my haiku, this time on the curious appeal of the bar crawl.

Wingmanship

Fighter pilot etiquette applied to helping out your buddies in the pursuit of women.

Bu yao Tsingtao!

I launch a quixotic campaign against Beijing's most commonplace - and most awful - beer.

In Hankou, without watches

One of my favourite nights in China (but it happened a long, long time ago, in May 1994).

Hunting of the snark

What I thought of the big parade celebrating the 60th anniversary of the founding of the PRC a few years ago. (I found it unexpectedly hilarious.)

Classics corner

I show off my Latin with a brief discussion of Virgil's Aeneid, and a poem of my own inspired by a famous episode in it.

Ultimate concept for a Chinese bar

The wittily contrarian A.A. Gill inspires me to see just how environmentally unfriendly I can be.

Gan bei! (Surviving the baijiu ritual)

Nearly 20 years of accumulated wisdom on the subject of how to deal with the competitive toasting that invariably breaks out during a Chinese banquet.

Trajectory

I don my satirical cap to describe the typical life-cycle of a small bar in Beijing.

Ask THE COIN

Time to reintroduce some liberating randomness into my life!

My parting advice to you

Froog gets philosophical....

Great Drinking Songs (41 &42)

I find something eerily nostalgic about the popular music of the 1930s and 1940s. The period of my parents' childhood was still dominating the national consciousness in the UK when I was a kid in the 1970s. I suppose I got my first introduction to the music hall comedy double act Flanagan and Allen from the long-running BBC wartime comedy series Dad's Army, about the ramshackle volunteer defence force of the Home Guard, which used their song Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? as its theme music. I later discovered their Underneath The Arches, and grew even fonder of that. It had been their signature song throughout most of their long career, written by Bud Flanagan in 1932. It really shouldn't be possible to write such a beautiful little song, such a cheery and upbeat song about homelessness. And yet, underneath the jauntiness of the tune, the hopelessness is still there. It's always struck a particularly personal chord with me. Although I haven't often been forced to sleep rough, I have - and continue to - come unpleasantly close to it. I always feel that precariousness in my life. But I try to regard my straitened material circumstances with Stoic indifference, to find crumbs of comfort wherever I can. "Underneath the arches, we dream our dreams away."

But that's just a quirky personal favourite of mine.

For the final post, the final song in this series, there can only be one choice: Ol' Blue Eyes singing My Way - the perfect balance of maudlin nostalgia and defiant self-assertion, a timeless pub singalong. Take it away, Frank.

But I fear Francis Albert is just a bit too mellow for my last video posting. Nasty, demented, sad Sid Vicious tearing the song apart is rather more appropriate to the current air of millennial despair.

So long, everyone. Thank you for reading (and commenting) over the years. And please continue to do so; I will still be monitoring the comments and replying, just not adding new posts after today (although I might sneak a few backdated ones in here and there - well, especially here and here - so keep your eyes peeled!).

A farewell treat: more 'hoopy' basslines

Although I am hoping to still add a few more 'Top Five' music posts retroactively to my 'Music Week' at the start of this month (my grandiose plans for that were much disrupted by my VPN and Internet connection going on the fritz), this will officially be my final music post before the end of the world on Friday. Well, OK, the penultimate music post; I've got one more lined up.

Today, we have a long planned conclusion to my Great Basslines series, a further roundup of what I have come to call 'hoopy' basslines, where the playing is more varied and intricate, rather than just propelling the song along.

Since this is the last entry in the series, I should perhaps apologise for some of my more egregious oversights in compiling it. I just haven't had time to consider jazz, for example. Or reggae, which is noted for its deceptively tricky lilting basslines. And, while I am aware that there are some outstanding exponents of the bass in the realms of funk and soul, these are not areas of music that I know very much of. I'm sure I probably could have had at least one 'Top Five' just of James Brown numbers, but I'm not famililar enough with his oeuvre (oh, go on, then - have a little blast of William 'Bootsy' Collins playing bass for him on Soul Power, from a great live show in Zaire in 1974). Michael Jackson is perhaps an even more glaring omission: songs like Billie Jean, Thriller, The Way You Make Me Feel and Smooth Criminal are certainly amongst the strongest and most recognisable basslines recorded (apparently it was Louis Johnson who played for him on the Off The Wall and Thriller albums, and Nathan East on Bad - although he is mysteriously not credited in Wikipedia entries on the individual songs). But, while I can't help but like such hooky songs, I never liked MJ; even before all the weirdness, the plastic surgery disasters and the paedophilia allegations, even when he was a little kid, there was something about him that just creeped me out. And that feeling got worse when he relaunched himself as an adult star; I never could stand that high-pitched voice, and his attempt to reinvent himself as a rock'n'roll bad boy - all that swagger and sneer, and the crotch-grabbing - struck me as ludicrous. So - sorry, Jackson fans, it has been a conscious prejudice of mine to leave him out of this series.

Having got that out of the way, here we go....

Another Top Five 'Hoopy' Basslines

5)  This Is Not A Love Song

We had Public Image Ltd in the first of these 'hoopy' selections as well, but you can't have too much of a good thing. I confess, though, I had thought this was still the great Jah Wobble playing. Music Mike pointed out in the comments below that he left the band after their third album, and this, from their fifth, actually has Louis Bernardi on bass. [The video for the album version is here.]

4)  Pusherman

Joseph 'Lucky' Scott is widely considered to be one of the greatest of all bass players, and this Curtis Mayfield track (from his score for the 1972 blaxploitation classic, SuperFly) may be his finest hour.

3)  War Pigs

We've had Black Sabbath in this series before as well, with Paranoid being one of the essential bass 'chuggers'. On this song, though, especially in the introductory section, Terry Butler isn't just the band's engine, but really gets to show off what a technically accomplished bass player he is. [This is a great live performance from 1970. You can listen to the album version instead here.]

Trivia note: There's an interesting coincidence here. Terry Butler is, of course, invariably known by his nickname 'Geezer'; and it just so happens that Jah Wobble chose Memoirs Of A Geezer as the title for his autobiography. And what a great title that is!

2)  Taxman

A special treat for Music Mike, who has been a regular comment-thread sparring partner of mine over the last year or so and was the main inspiration for me getting started on this series... and is also perhaps the world's biggest Beatles fan, and thus regularly complains about my omission of Paul McCartney from this series so far. I've been delaying this post largely for the fun of antagonising him.

And just to antagonise him some more, I kept Macca out of the top spot here. What do we have instead?

1)  The Mayor of Simpleton

I've never been a particular fan of XTC, but they did produce some undeniably hooky tunes, and Colin Moulding's bass playing always commanded attention. A friend reintroduced me to this number a couple of years ago, and it has become a favourite.

Bloody, but unbowed!

I have (sort of, very nearly - touch wood!) restored my computer to full operability.

It has taken me more than three days of nail-biting, hair-tearing anguish, countless hours of rummaging around on online forums trying to find help.

I had discovered that the built-in 'system recovery' feature in Windows was no good to me, because it had - for some obscure reason - only bothered to save a single 'recovery point' during the six months I've had the computer, and this was somehow corrupted, and so unusable.

The computer's manufacturer, Dell, has bundled a device of its own called SyncUp in with the default software. This is apparently supposed to back up all your data online. But this, too, has not been working properly; it always breaks down within a few minutes of startup, and never manages to record a complete system image for backup & recovery purposes.

So, it looked like I was pretty thoroughly screwed. I had a computer that had developed fatal errors in its operating system, and I had no way to back it up.

Or did I? Checking through the 'Safe Mode' startup options again (And god, is that difficult to access! If you don't hit F7 or F8 at exactly the right milisecond, the damn computer just attempts a Normal Startup and locks up again. I must have been through this 20 or more times - maddening!), I stumbled upon a rather inconspicuous additional tool which was seemingly going to allow me restore to my factory defaults from the onboard memory using Dell's Data Safe facility. Now, I wasn't happy about resorting to the 'nuclear option' of turning the clock back six months, and I wasn't confident that the onboard memory wouldn't be corrupted somehow... but I didn't seem to have any choice. And at least I was being offered the opportunity to backup all my data first (I would have been happier if I'd had the option to back it up on an offboard drive, but the interface seemed to be telling me that it would create a secure partition on my onboard hard drive for this). I thought I'd give it a go.

And it worked! Oh frabjous day!!

Well, except that when I relaunched my computer, I had six months of Windows Updates to install, which rendered the thing useless for another dozen hours.

And when I was finally able to start using it again, I found that the Dell Data Safe program was unable to access the backup files it was supposed to have created in my emergency recovery folder. And, to add insult to injury, it seemed to be telling me that it couldn't perform a data restoration from such files unless I forked out $150 dollars for an upgrade! That is outright extortion. I was incensed.

My tour of the online forums this morning wasn't much help. I was led to several supposed freeware applications that promised to be able to access these .dsb files, but either they weren't so able, or they weren't really free. So, I wasted a lot of time installing and then uninstalling these recommended programs.

I also thought - ah, foolish naivety! - that Dell programs ought to have a fair degree of compatibility with the basic Windows programs supplied with their machine; so, I was disappointed that Microsoft's 'backup & restore' facility was also unable to do anything with these dratted .dsb files. In fact, it appeared not to be working at all: it seemed to freeze when I hit the 'browse' button to search a drive for usable backup files. I scoured the online forums about this too, turned up a number of hopefully proffered solutions, found none of them did any good.

All I did learn from these vain investigations is that Dell Data Safe is widely perceived to be completely fucking useless (one user complained that he'd paid for the upgrade, and still found he was unable to access his backup files), very, very frequently creating these problems where people can't restore backed up files - often because the files haven't been compressed correctly and have become corrupted. I also learned that the Windows 7 'backup & recovery' feature is even worse, that it just about never works, and this is a known problem which Microsoft has done nothing to rectify in the last three years.

Oh yes, and when I tried to contact Dell's Technical Support via online chat last night, I was told that they couldn't help me because they'd lost my product registration details. Not sure if this is to do with my computer resetting itself, and wiping any onboard stored data about me, or if Dell's customer database is on the fritz, but it looks as though my product records somehow defaulted to a previous state where they only had details for the retailer I bought it off, not for me. I didn't feel like going through the rigmarole of re-registering my product details at midnight. Indeed, it wasn't practicable - since all the product codes are in tiny writing, on a label which is on the underside of the computer (and upside down, if you try to look at it by simply tilting the keyboard forward - one of the most amazingly fucking stupid pieces of design I've ever come across!), you can't really get a look at them while you're using the computer (and I don't have any decent light in my study anyway, so was working just from the light of the screen!). I got in a grump and signed off.

When I tried again this morning, I couldn't access the online chat facility at all. I was invited to try to e-mail my complaint/query instead, and was then told I couldn't even do that, because my detected location did not match the location I was "registered" in. WTF??!! I travel a lot. I'm almost always using a VPN, anyway. So, the detected location of my computer is probably not its actual location. And last night you told me I wasn't "registered" anyway! My apparent location has never been a problem in the past (I've had to contact the tech support like this a couple of times before). And how can a shift in my apparent location from Virginia (where I bought the damn thing) to California (where my current proxy is) invalidate my access to customer support? It's just INSANE. 

I am deeply, deeply pissed off with Dell right now. I am getting the impression from my survey of online complaints that their laptops are notoriously, disastrously unstable when running Windows 7. I fear I'm going to encounter these problems again and again. And I really don't expect a fairly expensive computer to conk out on me after less than six months of use. If I'd known in June what I know now, I never would have bought the thing. And I don't think I'm ever going to buy a Dell product again.

But wait, it's not ALL gloom. I did manage to restore my computer eventually.

Yes, I discovered that hidden among the sub-folders in the 'Emergency Recovery' folder that had been created for me, there lurks a little .exe file that launches a 'Recovery Wizard' which allows you to restore all the other compressed files in the folder.

Well, most of them. Most of the program files seem to have fallen by the wayside somehow - which is a HUGE pain in the arse.

But at least my Operating System seems to be doing its thing normally again. For now.

So, tomorrow, I might be able to do some blogging again. If I can be bothered. After all this hassle, I really just feel as if I want to SLEEP for the rest of the week.

Recommended Posts, October-December 2012

A selection of highlights from my last few months of despatches from The Barstool. This list might end up being a little longer than usual, because the approaching demise of the blog prompted me to post quite prolifically, and to address a number of especially good topics that I'd somehow failed to get around to over the previous six years.

Guided Tour - recommended posts from the 4th quarter of 2012

1)  Blues Week

I began October with a week of diverse musical posts, covering varieties of the blues: we had some Motorhead (a slowed down version of The Ace of Spades), Cream, ZZ Top, some early Fleetwood Mac, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin (some amazing footage of one of their first ever TV appearances), the astonishing blind singer Turley Richards, and piano legend Otis Spann playing with the great guitarist Peter Green.

2)  The desire for oblivion - 5th October 2012

My weekly haiku triggers one of my more serious posts, examining my lifelong history of depressive illness.

3)  If they'd asked me.... - 9th October 2012

I imagine what my responses might have been if The Beijinger magazine had invited me to participate in their new 'A Drink With...' series.

4)  "The Carp" - 11th October 2012

A reminiscence of a favourite restaurant during my first year in Beijing - and its horribly memorable floorshow.

5)  Childhood holidays - 12th October 2012

It's amazing what the aroma of a single malt Scotch can evoke!

6)  A Top Five Guitar Riffs - 13th October 2012

Does exactly what it says on the label. Of course, it's impossible to limit myself to just five once I get started on this topic - I imagine I'll be returning to it at least once or twice here.

7)  Useful words - 16th October 2012

I discover a couple of intriguing concepts from other languages... and wish that we had English equivalents for them.

8)  Stop that! - 25th October 2012

Flirting is BAD, m'kay? At least according to the Anti-Flirt Club - a real (though short-lived) social campaign from the Prohibition Era in America.

9)  Drink and age - 26th October 2012

The passing of another birthday makes me ponder on the spectre of the dreaded Mid-Life Crisis.

10)  Drum & Bass: a Top Five rhythm pairings - 27th October 2012

Can you guess who my top pick was? Moon and Entwistle? Bonham and JPJ?  [Some more Great Basslines here and here.]

11)  Possibly my favourite ever 'Weekly Bon Mot' - 29th October 2012

Not one of my own, alas; but very, very good.

12)  The Rule of Custom - 30th October 2012

I a reminded of why you shouldn't go into restaurants that have no customers in them.

13)  Bitter? Moi? - 5th November 2012

This is one of my own bon mots - combining my favourite subjects: women and drink.

14)  The Top Five Unusual Places I Have Drunk - 7th November 2012

Gosh, I have led an adventurous life! Well, in my younger days, anyway.

15)  The Monmouth connection - 14th November 2012

Reminiscences about how the place where I grew up influenced my burgeoning enthusiasm for music.

16)  A rare regret - 16th November 2012

My return to Hong Kong after a LONG absence revives memories of a not-quite-romance from nearly 20 years ago... and prompts me to recount the story of how I once blagged my way into the Royal Hong Kong Yacht Club.

17)  Ginger ale that knows someone! - 19th November 2012

Champagne - I am not a fan. And neither was Hawkeye.

18)  Bad behaviour - 23rd November 2012

I reflect on what it is about hotels that so incites people to misbehave.

19)  "Don't think this has taught me a lesson." - 26th November 2012

I allow myself a bit of a swoon over the inimitable Tallulah Bankhead.

20)  On Anonymity - 27th November 2012

I explain why I opted for anonymity in my blogging - and why I feel it would in general be a better course for anyone who's reviewing bars and restaurants.

21)  Chinese hotel breakfasts - 29th November 2012

One of the most hilariously awful things in the world!

22)  What kind of probe? - 30th November 2012

It is not until I journey into remote south-west China that I discover that Beijing's local beer is sponsoring the Chinese space programme.

23)  Lost songs - 14th December 2012

Two fragments from my brief career as a lyricist for a punk rock band. (I was 17; forgive me!)

24)  The BIG Question - 14th December 2012

I ponder the tricky question of whether a bar can make more money off Chinese or foreign custom, and whether it's possible to combine the two.

25)  A final 'unsuitable role model': Fred Dibnah - 15th December 2012

An affectionate tribute to the affable Bolton steeplejack who was one of the great stars of British television during my childhood - and one of the most admirable and enviable men I've ever encountered.

26)  American bartenders - 17th December 2012

I love 'em to bits, think they're the best in the world, but... their habit of randomly slashing people's bills at the end of the evening discombobulates me more than somewhat.

27)  A Beijing 'Bucket List': 10 things to try before you die - 19th December 2012

I reflect on some of the more frivolous and fun experiences I've had during my decade of living in the Chinese capital.

28)  A more cynical 'bucket list': the things you probably will have done before you leave China - 19th December 2012

Barbed farewell satire on the rather-too-common expat experience in this country.

I'll also be 'cheating' a bit - returning to the blog every once in a while to add further music posts here, and new 'Top Five' posts on other assorted topics here. So, keep your eyes peeled.

A DAY of Top Fives??

Well, that was my idea.

Reviewing topics I'd intended to cover in this intermittent series of mine, I realised there were quite a lot I would have liked to try and get out of the way before I retire from blogging next week. Too many, really. I think I had FIVE Top Fives in mind for this Tuesday. And a few more 'possibles' bubbling under.

But my Internet connection has been kaput for most of the week, so I'm horribly behind with everything - work and social plans as well as blogging.

I'm now thinking that I might 'cheat' a bit about this giving up blogging idea, and return to this Tuesday every once in a while to add another Top Five post... and another... and another.

We'll see. I might be so relieved to escape from the tyranny of daily production that I never want to write another blog post in my life!

Watch this space

Or rather, the space before this post.

I had promised you a 'Music Week' - music posts every day! - this week, and I have been remiss.

I managed a couple of  posts on Monday, but since then intermittent problems with my VPN and my Internet connection speed have sundered me from YouTube. A further problem is that I have been unexpectedly busy for most of this week, both socially and on the work front.

I finally have some free time today, and my Internet link seems to be behaving itself rather better (touch wood!), so I will begin trying to catch up. I have all the posts planned - it's just a case of hunting down all the YouTube clips for them (rather a time-consuming process, even with a fast and stable Net connection).

I'll insert these music posts retroactively into the earlier days of this week - serially over this weekend. So, keep your eyes peeled for the appearance of some goodies soon.

Thank you. That is all.

New Picks of the Month

Delving back into the archives again... what was I wittering about in the run-up to Christmas '09?

Well, on Froogville, this post has a special place in my heart: Go out and buy! - an unlikely anecdote of my father's.

[However, in a brisk month of posting - essential catharsis, following on from a particularly anxious change of apartments - I also quite like Why my packing took so long, this observation on a strange and vexing kitchen accident, this Classical pun, and this grapple with a Latin motto. On a more serious note, I would also recommend revisiting The leaders leave first and Don't be a Chinese child - two posts marking the 15th anniversary of the Karamay theatre fire tragedy.]

On The Barstool, I have to nominate Little Frank (A Christmas Tale) - one of my most emotional China stories.

Traffic Report - the blog stats for November

Despite being away for two-thirds of the month, a splurge of writing at the beginning and end of November kept my posting average well up to its 'usual' excessive levels.

There were 34 posts and around 14,000 words on Froogville last month.

There were 30 posts and nearly 12,000 words on Round-The-World Barstool Blues.

And that is the last time I shall tot up my monthly figures like this - because I have decided to  use the alleged Mayan Apocalypse in 19 days' time as a pretext for closing down these blogs. It's been fun, but I feel I need a new hobby. Make the most of me while you can!

Watch out, in particular, for the 7 days of music posts  I have planned here on The Barstool this coming week.

Thank you all for reading, and occasionally commenting, over the last six-and-a-bit years. I hope we may hear from some of you elusive 'regulars' again one last time before I ring down the curtain.

Recommended Posts, July-September 2012

A roundup of the best bits from my summer travels.

Guided Tour - recommended posts from the 3rd quarter of 2012

1)  Time is tight  -  5th July 2012

A great live performance of one of the classic instrumental numbers by Booker T. & the M.G.s.

2)  Hail to the Duck!  -  7th July 2012

A tribute to the great bass guitarist Donald 'Duck' Dunn, who had died at the age of 70 a few weeks earlier.

3)  Mongolian Drinking Song  -  22nd July 2012

Beijing's favourite folk-rockers Hanggai perform a traditional party song which has become a regular highlight of their sets.

4)  It's my party - or is it? -  26th July 2012

A particularly strange dream.

5)  Craft beer?!  -  27th July 2012

My return to England from America triggers some adverse reflections on the beer scene over there.

6)  A culinary 'Unsuitable Role Model'  -  28th July 2012

Fond reminiscences of Keith Floyd, one of the first and greatest of all TV chefs - and an unabashed boozer.

7)  The 3rd Avenue crawl  -  31st July 2012

One of my best nights out during my recent American visit. (A few others are described here and here and here.)

8)  Great Love Songs (33)  -  5th August 2012

Waves of nostalgia brought on by being back in the old home country remind me of The Beautiful South, a band I used to listen to a lot in the '90s. Their Song For Whoever is a typically warped and witty account of how a writer's urge to treat everything as raw material for his work distorts his experience of the world and compromises his relationships. Why do I feel such a connection with this?

9)  Conversions  -  7th August 2012

Some reflections on the difficulties of shifting between different countries and currencies... And the shocking realisation that Britain is now a cheaper place to drink than Beijing (in bars, anyway).

10)  Great Drinking Songs (34)  -  11th August 2012

Well, more of a smoking song, really - Afroman's splendid catalogue song about the hazards of over-indulging in weed, Because I Got High.

11)  Another nail in my heart  -  14th August 2012

Remembering The Carpenter's Arms, one of my favourite pubs from my days living in Oxford in the early '90s; one of the many small pubs in the UK that have closed in the last decade or two.

12)  A pocket full of moonshine  -  15th August 2012

As my return to China draws near, I reflect that erguotou - a particularly rough variety of the native white spirit, produced in Beijing - is NOT one of the things that entices me back. However, I am intrigued to discover the website of a chap who is trying to learn to love Chinese spirits. Rather him than me!

13)  The call of the wild  -  16th August 2012

Another 'Unsuitable Role Model', though really not so unsuitable this time: Les Hiddens, an Australian survival expert who had a superb TV series in the 1990s about how to live off the land in the Outback.

14)  Songs that make me weepy  -  19th August 2012

Some of the music that I find most self-indulgent cathartic when my depressions strike.

15)  The blues make it all seem better  -  31st August 2012

My first couple of weeks back in Beijing had been utterly miserable. But there's nothing like a dose of the blues to perk you up.

16)  Gosh, has it really been FIVE years??!!  -  2nd September 2012

The anniversary of my favourite little bar, 12 Square Metres, is upon us. I celebrate with another dose of The Beautiful South - the rather too appropriate Liars' Bar.

17)  Something new  -  7th September 2012

I discover an excellent new barbecue place down in Shuangjing - and try a couple of dishes I've never had in China before.

18)  Great Love Songs (34)  -  8th September 2012

A serendipitous discovery during my travels was April Smith and The Great Picture Show. Here's their bouncy, saucy little love song, Wow and Flutter.

19)  Our 'theme song'  -  15th September 2012

My 'local' has become a bit of an '80s timewarp just lately: they seem to be constantly playing Twisted Sister's We're Not Going To Take It. Not that I'm complaining. Not at all. It chimes with my present mood very well.

20)  Bon mot for the week  -  17th September 2012

A particularly good one - from Noah Baumbach's great film Kicking and Screaming.

21)  I have often walked down this street before...  -  21st September 2012

The return to familiar Beijing stomping grounds cues some reflection on the territoriality of my life here (strictly a Gulou boy!), and some reminiscences about my early days in the city (when I enjoyed it far more). This, of course, was soon a pretext for a song or two - a pair of favourites from My Fair Lady that I have often been known to sing on the streets of Beijing.

22)  After-love  -  26th September 2012

I am told that the Russians have a single word to describe the feelings that you have for a former lover. I express my scepticism - rightly, as it turns out.

Recommended Posts, April-June 2012

To keep in sync with brother-blog Froogville, where I've just added a similar rundown, here are some of the highlights from The Barstool earlier this year.

Guided Tour - recommended posts from the 2nd quarter of 2012

1)  Great Drinking Songs (32)  -   8th April 2012

Harry McClintock's hobo song Big Rock Candy Mountains, which I remembered fondly but dimly from my distant childhood, and was happy to rediscover a few years ago when the Coen brothers used it in the soundtrack to their Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

2)  A Top Five Double Whammy - all-nighters and succumbing to slumber  -  13th April 2012

As I near the date for my (possibly final) departure from China, I reflect on some good times past and list those Beijing bars where I have seen the sun come up.... and/or fallen asleep.

3)  Great Love Songs (31)  -  14th April 2012

Hoarse-voiced Norwegian dynamo Ida Maria's infectious shoutalong I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked.

4)  Cocktails in the afternoon!  -  17th April 2012

A private tasting at MaoMaoChong introduces me to some interesting new drink recipes.

5)  Rearranging the deckchairs on the RMS Topicality  -  19th April 2012

In the week of the centenary of the loss of the Titanic, I find myself reflecting on a number of metaphors inspired by the disaster - and their disastrous significance for me.

6)  Haiku Bar Haiku 282  -  20th April 2012

I suffer a case of End of the World blues.

7)  Top Five Things We Miss From JK's Playlist  -  21st April 2012

My favourite bar owner had been back in Oz for 6 months, and down at the bar I found I was starting to miss some of the classic slices of cheese that used to come up particularly often on his iTunes playlist.

8)  Bon mot for the week  -  23rd April 2012

A particularly good one, from Friedrich Nietzsche.

9)  Haiku Bar Haiku 283  -  27th April 2012

Some thoughts on the shortcomings of 'happy hours'.

10)  An extreme 'Unsuitable Role Model'  -  28th April 2012

Perhaps the most unsavoury entrant ever in this series: blathering Glaswegian drunk Rab C. Nesbitt - a fabulous comic creation by writer Ian Pattison and actor Gregor Fisher.

11)  Seasonal drinking  -  1st May 2012

Some cocktail ideas for May Day.

12)  The beauty of statistics  -  3rd May 2012

Where is the highest concentration of bars - per capita, or per square mile - in America? Someone can show you.

13)  Memories of the SARS summer  -  8th May 2012

A long overdue post on my (mostly rather joyous!) recollections of my first summer in Beijing.

14)  A Japanese lesson [Great Love Songs (32)] - 12th May 2012

Reminiscences of my long affection for Queen, and a video of their anthemic singalong (Japanese chorus and all!) Teo Torriatte.

15)  The price issue (AGAIN) - 15th May 2012

A follow-up to this post from a little over a year earlier, decrying the outrageous overcharging we are increasingly being asked to accept in Beijing's bars.

16)  Haiku Bar Haiku 286 - 18th May 2012

On the brink of saying goodbye, I reflect on the handful of bars here that have inspired something like love in me.

17)  Junk food heaven!  -  19th May 2012

I find myself looking forward to some unhealthy eating 'treats' when I get back to the UK.

18)  Taking my leave  -  23rd May 2012

To mark my departure from Beijing after nearly 10 years, I could think of nothing more appropriate than The Wailing Jennys' beautiful a cappella version of The Parting Glass.

19)  Generic expat bars, and why I hate them  -  29th May 2012

A particularly undistinguished new bar opening in the (expat-frequented) Lido area of north-east Beijing leads me into an analysis of what invariably seems to be done badly about this sort of place, and why I could quite happily live without any of them.

20)  Caipirinha!  -  31st May 2012

I celebrate being back in the old country by having cocktails at home - oh, the decadence!

21)  Haiku Bar Haiku 288 - 1st June 2012

The delights of the traditional British 'lock in'.

22)  A song for the Euros - 9th June 2012

I celebrate the kick-off of the European Football Championships by posting a video of Neil Innes' One Thing On Your Mind, a great C&W pastiche about the eternal incompatibility of the sexes. (This post became my discussion thread for chatting about the tournament.)

23)  Does Nanluoguxiang have a future? - 11th June 2012

NO. I predict the inevitable implosion of Beijing's most overhyped, overcrowded bar & shopping street. A great pity - it used to be my favourite place in the city.

24)  A decade of change:

Part 1 - 12th June 2012

Part 2 - 14th June 2012

Part 3 - 19th June 2012

This three-part series on the evolution of the Beijing bar scene during my ten years living here has already been given permanent links in the sidebar.

25)  Another Top Five basslines: getting 'hoopy' - 16th June 2012

Another entrant in my new-ish series on great bass playing, this time focusing on bass parts that are a little more sinuous and sophisticated than my previous roundups of 'hooks' and 'chuggers'.

26)  Last call - 30th June 2012

Semisonic's Closing Time and Tom Waits's I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You: two great songs about the poignancy of the bar's closing at the end of the evening - and the danger of romantic entanglements forming at the bar!

Timely escape

The enigmatically delayed, ever-so hush-hush National Party Congress is finally taking place in Beijing this week. I believe the official start date is Thursday 8th, but there'll probably be some kind of welcome shindig on the 7th, and various preliminary meetings even before that. The delegates are already starting to roll in from all around the country.

A hotel a few doors down from me is usually used to house quite a few of the less important delegates for meetings like this; so, my street is likely to be swarming with armed police for the next week. And - of course - the Internet is being filtered to hell, and is slow, slow, SLOW.

It is an excellent time to NOT be in Beijing. And, as luck would have it, a stack of different pretexts to be elsewhere all presented themselves in quick succession - so, I'm going to be off on a little 'southern tour' of my own for the next three weeks. [And, oh boy, did my VPN get crashed a lot of times when I was looking for that link! The Kafka Boys are outdoing themselves at the moment.]

I have tried to pre-bake a few posts to maintain the semblance of my still being here at my keyboard daily, but in fact.... well, I haven't decided if I'll even bother to take a laptop with me, and I'm not expecting to have very regular Internet access, or to be using it if I do. I'm on holiday, after all.

Have fun without me.

By the by, if martial law is declared in Beijing this week - you heard it here first. And if it isn't, I was joking.

[And - oh god! - Beijing is now reeling from an early onset of winter, beset by snow, ice, and fog over the last three days. There is a dangerously high probability that my flight out of Beijing will get cancelled. Oh, woe!]

New Picks of the Month

Three years ago this month, I was busy moving apartments, but... that didn't stop me blogging!

On Froogville, I select Plumbing the depths as my pick of the crop - a particularly egregious example of the pitiful levels of Chinese scholarship I have to deal with in my academic editing work. 
[Although, this one on how the Chinese introduce statistics, this one on the difficulty of keeping a Chinese apartment clean, or this one on the inevitable uselessness of any utensil made out of Chinese plastic were also strong contenders.]

On The Barstool, my top pick is Shit happens - some entertaining wordplay between myself and my erudite friend The Weeble. 
[But, in an unusually rich month, I might equally have plumped for this list of my favourite Beijing dive bars (the inaugural entry in my Top Fives series), this description of how I like my Manhattans, or this contemptuous analysis of an over-fussy Thanksgiving menu.]

Traffic Report - the blog stats for October

Oh, dear! Last month turned out to be rather too prolific - for mine or anyone else's good. Partly, no doubt, it was not having any work. Partly, perhaps, not drinking - and hence not going out very much - also boosted my output. And, since I have decided to call time on my blogs next month, there may be an element of trying to get a lot done in these last few weeks, tidying up loose ends and getting some long-contemplated, oft-deferred posts off my chest.

Last month, there were 38 posts and around 20,000 words on Froogville.

There were 34 posts and some 11,500 words on Barstool Blues.

Too much, I know. Forgive me.

Nothing much of interest happening with the stats, except that my post on 'Oneiric' Films last Saturday is racking up a record number of hits according to Google/Blogger's own traffic monitoring. Ordinarily, I only get about 10 to 15 single-page views recorded for each post, within a day or two of them going up. So, I assume this is mostly regular readers (if I have any such). The numbers climb a little thereafter, but only very slowly and intermittently - unless I've been writing on something that has obvious search engine 'sex appeal' (which, as often as not, means just sex appeal). The word 'oneiric' would appear to be super-sexy to search engines, because that post achieved 100 single-page hits in just over 24 hours, and has now amassed more than 250. Alas, I fear this does just mean turning up in search results, rather than actually attracting anyone to visit the blog.

Recommended Posts, January-March 2012

What were the highlights from the early part of this year?

Guided Tour - recommended posts from the 1st quarter of 2012

1)  Mess  -  3rd January 2012

I begin the New Year with my kitchen in a state of chaos after a - very modest - 'house-warming' party.

2)  Top Five Basslines  -  7th January 2012

The opening post in what has become an irregular music series on here generated my busiest comment thread of the whole year (about the only busy comment thread).

3)  Hitting the Naale on the head!  -  10th January 2012

I am briefly almost fooled by a wondrously naff piece of Chinese brand mimicry.

4)  A musical youth  -  14th January 2012

A brief history of the evolution of my tastes in music, prompted by recent online encounters with new blog buddy Music Mike.

5)  Starting the Wish List early  -  17th January 2012

I discover a wealth of oddball gift ideas on the splendidly named Unemployed Philosophers' Guild website. And I am thus inspired to launch an entirely neglected reader participation thread on favourite writer/drinkers.

6)  Positive feedback  -  20th January 2012

News (apparently genuine) that some Japanese urinals are being fitted with interactive video games controlled by one's piss-stream... leads me to suggest a few such game formats especially tailored to the Chinese market.

7)  Elements of a memorable Chinese New Year's eve  -  24th January 2012

Although I have come to loathe China's 'Spring Festival' holiday, I reflect that I did have a rather a good time on this day in my very first year in Beijing.

8)  This week's drinking excuse  -  26th January 2012

I celebrate Australia Day with a brief appreciation of the famous drinking exploits of former PM Bob Hawke, and with a posting of that most Aussie of all Aussie songs, Colin Hay's Down Under.

9)  Summoning the get-up-and-go  -  28th January 2012

Feeling rundown and lethargic after a strange week of insomnia, I rouse my spirits with a favourite 'happy song' from my student days, virtuouso electro-jazz ensemble Weather Report's irresistibly peppy instrumental Birdland.

10)  Limiting one's chances  -  3rd February 2012

I review the reasons why none of my attempted romantic relationships in Beijing have worked out.

11)  That's exactly how I felt  -  4th February 2012

The funniest and wisest comedy sketch I know: Peter Cook and Dudley re-enact the Fall of Lucifer - from their brilliant 1968 feature film Bedazzled.

12)  Alternate reasons to celebrate  -  6th February 2012

I find further necessary distraction from the protracted hell of the Chinese New Year festival in Bob Marley's birthday, which I commemorate with two versions of the song Stop The Train (one by The Wailers, and one by its composer, Peter Tosh).

13)  Singles get doubles!  -  14th February 2012

My idea for a Valentine's Day promotion.

14)  In praise of the tequila slammer  -  16th February 2012

How I developed a fondness for the crack cocaine of alcoholic drinks.

15)  The threshold of gloom  -  22nd February 2012

I realise that my spells of depression are closely linked to the hours of daylight. Thank heavens the days are getting longer!

16)  Great Dating Disasters (9)  -  23rd February 2012

This was actually one of my great romantic successes - but it didn't have staying power.

17)  Mardi Gras leftovers  -  25th February

Since I had recently been fretting (yet again) about having to miss the Krewe du Vieux carnival in New Orleans this year, I rounded up a selection of versions of I Wish I Was In New Orleans: a great live performance and the original album version (illustrated with a stylish animation utilizing some sketches by Egon Schiele) by its original composer, Tom Waits; an ethereal cover by Scarlett Johansson; and a different song of the same name by up-and-coming American roots music star Ben Prestage.

18)  Just what the doctor ordered!  -  28th February 2012

I have a new favourite cocktail - the Penicillin.

19)  Bon mot for the week  -  5th March 2012

One of my own, on why people find my personality so difficult to deal with.

20)  Drinks can be too cheap  -  8th March 2012

I explain why offering 5-kuai draughts sends out a negative signal.

21)  The allure of the bar crawl  -  9th March 2012

A haiku on the appeal of - occasionally - trying to fit in several different venues in one night of drinking.

22)  Return of the Band Names game  -  10th March 2012

Some friends and I come up with an idea for a tribute band honouring Beijing's new bluegrass favourites The Randy Abel Stable. Shortly afterwards, another friend asks me to suggest names for her new band. My input on the question is ultimately disregarded - but at least it provides an excuse to revive the long-dormant Band Names game for a week or two, and push it past its 200th comment.

23)  Great Drinking Songs (31)  -  17th March 2012

For St Patrick's Day this year, I post three versions of Whiskey In The Jar - by Thin Lizzy, Gary Moore, and The Dubliners.

24)  How not to do it - opening a bar  -  24th March 2012

A new Chinese bar in my 'hood, Zhou, does everything so spectacularly wrong, it's like an instruction manual for how to lose money.

25)  Hmmm, chilli!  -  26th March 2012

Tasting notes on the Chilli Cook-Off competition with which hutong brewery Great Leap saw in the spring. [I was not in sympathy with the judges' choice of winner!]

26)  Half-plugged  -  29th March 2012

An account of one of the year's most surprising gigs (and, after a faltering start, quite possibly its best): The Beijing Beatles playing semi-unplugged in the tiny, homely space of my favourite bar, 12 Square Metres.

27)  Oh, brave new world!  -  30th March 2012

I nearly get a job in nearby Tianjin. While attending an interview, I stumble upon an amusingly bizarre bar calling itself the Swiss Club. I couldn't help but be reminded of The Fast Show's improbable Lothario character Swiss Toni, and was inspired to try to launch another audience participation thread (another abject failure! no commenters any more!!).

28)  Another Top Five Basslines: 'Chuggers'  -  31st March 2012

The second entry in my basslines series - this time focusing on those unfussy but insistent lines that just keep throbbing away, relentlessly driving a song on its way.