Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Froog's 'Rules of Drinking'

When I discovered Modern Drunkard magazine and its '86 Rules of Boozing' last week, I rashly promised to formulate a similar - but more stripped-down, straightforward - list of my own. True to my word (and after only 6 days!), here are....

Froog's 'Rules of Drinking'

1)  Know your limits. 
[Drinking is about having fun, not making yourself ill.]

2)  Always buy the first round. 
[If you can't afford to buy a round, you shouldn't be out drinking anyway.]

3)  If you don't manage to get the first round in, buy the second round. 
[You don't want to be thought a cheapskate.]

4)  Choose your drinking companions carefully. 
[There's not much benefit to observing these rules yourself if you are associating with people who don't.]

5)  Always be nice to the serving staff, even if they're not doing their job very well.  
[Remember what a stressful and poorly remunerated job it often is. And there are almost invariably more arseholes on the customers' side of the bar than behind it; don't add to that statistic.]

6)  Always return your glasses to the bar, and tidy up any litter you see in your area of bar or table.  
[If you've ever worked in a bar, you do this without even thinking about it. It is, I believe, a key element of being nice to the staff - Rule 5 above.]

7)  There is no shame in drinking water to maintain hydration. 
[It is absolutely essential in a hot/humid environment, or if you're drinking spirits or overstrength beers.]

8)  Always ensure that you can get home early enough to allow at least 5 hours' sleep before you next have to work, or do anything else important. 
[Adjust according to individual body requirements. I don't sleep much these days: 5 hours is usually plenty for me - or enough, anyway.]

9)  There's no need to SHOUT. 
[If people at neighbouring tables are wincing at your conversation, you are being unnecessarily loud.]

10)  Avoid any situation which could lead to a fight.  
[Froog has 'Rules of Fighting', too. The odd-numbered ones are all 'DON'T!']

11)  Never talk to people who are significantly more drunk than you are.  
[At best, it's going to be awkward and boring. At worst, it could lead to a fight: remember Rule 10!]

12)  When The Weeble wobbles, it's time for us all to go home. 
[Unfortunately, we often don't.]


Connaught Delhi said...

Beautiful rules of drinking. I want to follow these rules.

Froog said...

Whoa! That really does appear to be spam from The Connaught Hotel in New Delhi.

I wonder if they'll offer me a free room for sending so much business their way?

Thee Lunch said...

There has to be something in there about taking care what you eat. Foley's burgers come to mind and the chilli bhajis at the India House on the Aldwych. At my 40th, I served - one hour into the drink - raw brussel sprouts on a stick (with a paltry bit of cheese). They all went.

Froog said...

That must have been at least 10 years ago, Lunch. And Brussels sprouts were in fashion then, I believe.

Actually, I've always been a bit partial to Brussels myself. Never tried them on a kebab prong, but you've inspired me.

Gary said...

Good rules!

I envy you being able to get by on 5 hours sleep!