Bar Etiquette

Now, I am a great fan of striking up casual conversations at bars. And I do try to be as tolerant as possible of behaviours, cultures, attitudes that are somewhat different to my own.

However, it seems to me that, when trying to engage someone in conversation, you should wait your moment, try to be aware of what the other person or people are doing and how they might feel about your intrusion. It's easier to initiate a conversation with another lone drinker than with a group; but, either way, it's surely usually best to begin with some apologetic request for acceptance such as "Is this seat taken?", "Do you mind if I join you for a moment?", "I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying there, and..." And there are clearly some circumstances where you just shouldn't try to butt in.

Lately, these elementary politenesses seem to be growing rarer and rarer. I'm not sure if this is the general problem of people behaving like arseholes when they've had a few drinks, or a more specific local phenomenon related to the dynamics of expat life out here. Indeed, I worry - at the risk of sounding like a terrible old fogey - if it isn't a 'generation gap' thing: young people today just have no manners!

It certainly doesn't seem to be nationality-specific, since of the two most glaring recent examples I encountered, one was British, the other American. I was in the Haiku Bar a few weeks back with a small group of friends, including The Artist (with whom I was just beginning my grand flirtation), when a very young, very drunk young British couple started taking it in turns to plonk themselves in the middle of our group (taking over the temporarily vacated seat whenever one of us went to the bar or the loo) and then drool and burble at us (their speech by this stage of the evening was at times almost incomprehensible, certainly very laboured and tedious). They were mostly harmless and not aggressive or dangerous or a long-term pest, so most of us grinned and bore it, treating it as just one of the occupational hazards of bar life. The Artist, however, reached her tether-limit ahead of the rest of us (she claimed to have been irritated by one of the girl's opening conversational gambits of "What's wrong with you, blondie?" - a line I shall long treasure, although I fear I didn't catch it at the time), and responded with admirable robustness: "Look, we didn't ask you to join us and you're being a pain, so would you mind just f***ing off?" Sometimes, that is the best, the only way to handle such situations; and I felt a little bad that I hadn't taken the lead in doing so myself.

Perhaps we are jinxed as a couple. A week or so later, almost exactly the same thing happened at a small bar downtown. This time we were alone, were just about the only people left in the place as they were getting ready to close up; we were enjoying each other's company, drowning in each other's eyes, teetering on the brink of falling in love.... when this young American couple (rather less drunk than our previous dual-nemesis, but almost equally crass) crashed in on us. At least the girl hovered shyly at a distance, but the guy just helped himself to a seat and led in with some line about how he admired "the intimacy of the moment [we] were sharing". After the awkwardness of the earlier experience, I wasn't about to let this develop into anything, so I immediately countered with a polite but stern: "That's right, it's an intimate moment - and I'd like to go on enjoying it with my friend. Why don't you go and enjoy your own intimate moment with your friend?" He scurried away, duly crestfallen. Sometimes it helps to be 6' 3" and scarily intense!!

These are not isolated incidents, but only the most conspicuous recent examples I have suffered - the more acutely memorable and galling because they briefly discomfited the woman I adore.

[And yes, I am hoping she will read this, and be cheered by a reminder of some of our times together, even these not-quite-the-best times. And I wish to remind her that I do adore her, because I have been unable to do this for a few days now, while locked out of my e-mail.
I miss you. Come back!]

I wonder, is this kind of behaviour really becoming more common? What is the cause of it? What is the best way of avoiding it? Or of dealing with it, without causing a 'big scene' or a fight? Answers in a 'comment', please!