Another, rather more vindictive comment from my recent 'troll' - presumably picking up on the line in my Profile about my tending to fall for women "who fail to appreciate me" - was her suggestion that women were smart to leave me (because I drink too much).
Now, I'm not about to let that pass without some attempt at a response.
For one thing, it betrays the fact that the commenter can never actually have read much of either of my blogs; indeed she can't even have read the Profile over there at the top of the right side-bar very carefully.
This remark in my Blogger Profile refers to my more recent experience since I have been living overseas - a long sequence of unrequited loves. These are not women who have left me, but women who have never gone out with me in the first place. And I lament the fact that this lack of interest on their part would appear to be down to a failure to recognise - or to be impressed by - any of my better qualities (not because of an aversion to any perceived faults). I have always suffered from this crazy obsession that a woman should be attracted to me by my intelligence, creativity, and humour - rather than sexual prowess, looks, or bank balance. Alas, this is not the way of the world.
Regarding the women I have had relationships with, I think the breakups have always been fairly painless, mutually negotiated affairs (mostly initiated by me), happening because of a recognition of diminishing passion or insufficient common interests once the initial excitement and novelty of attraction had worn off. Even on the two (heart-rending) occasions when I was the dumpee, there was a rational part of me that accepted the hopelessness of those relationships, was oddly relieved at their final failure (I had only been obstinately hanging in there by my fingernails, in defiance of my better judgement, because I was so ridiculously in love with those women). I have in all cases managed to remain on amicable terms with my girlfriends after splitting up from them. (Well, all bar one - and that was down to a rather viciously extreme 'clean slate' policy of hers, rather than any resentment against me.)
None of my girlfriends has ever found my fondness for drink to be a 'problem'.
I am happy (if not exactly proud) to declare myself a drinker. I admit - slightly defensively, but without shame - that I am on occasion a heavy drinker. But I very, very seldom get drunk. And even when drunk, I do not behave in any way badly. (Unless, dear reader, you consider maudlin philosophisizing and spouting poetry to be bad behaviour. In which case, I venture to say that you are unduly censorious of your fellow men, and somewhat lacking in an appropriate sense of perspective on the question of vices.)
I am decidedly not an alcoholic. I have, in general, a very non-addictive, nay, an anti-addictive personality. I am exaggeratedly wary of becoming too wedded to any single pleasure, and deliberately step back from anything that threatens to become too entrenched a habit, too defining a part of my life. (Ah, that may be the real reason why none of my relationships with women have endured...) For that reason - to assert, confirm my self-mastery - I frequently cut back dramatically on the booze, or give it up completely, for a few weeks, sometimes a month or more at a time.
No, I'm not an alcoholic. Nor a drunk. Nor a barfly. I just happen to enjoy drinking. A lot.
I know some people - many, perhaps most people - can't draw those lines and keep on the right side of them. That's very sad. I am all too aware of the problems that drink causes for individuals and for society at large, and I wouldn't wish to make light of that. I'm certainly not seeking to proselytize for the cause of alcoholism on this blog. I am merely seeking to record and examine - and, yes, celebrate - what is, for me, luckily, an innocent, (relatively) harmless pleasure.
3 comments:
“…refers to my more recent experience since I have been living overseas - a long sequence of unrequited loves.”
I will second the reality of this statement, as it applies to all expats, I think.
It appears that while youthful jaunts abroad can often result in lifelong bonds of holy matrimony, such results are rare amongst the (dare I say it) middle-aged and up. Not that I claim the honor of middle-age. ;) Though, perhaps I can claim the experience (you can judge that for yourself when you figure out who I am). And I do claim the observation of this reality.
Living away from home seems to exacerbate the natural decline in romantic options and willingness to explore those options. Something to do with intensifying our personal walls and unwillingness to have yet another experience of failed love.
What do you think held back your “unrequited loves”? Are there others who’d care to weigh in on this discussion?
Hmmm, I don't like the idea of a "natural decline" in romantic options or the willingness to explore them.
I don't think I feel any such decline!
Perhaps some people, uncomfortable at first in an unfamiliar and challenging environment, are more emotionally wary and defensive. But I think that, on the whole, one of the things that appeals to me most about 'expattery' is that the sort of people who come and do this (not EVERYONE, of course - but a very significant percentage) are more daring, eccentric, creative, intelligent, well-educated, self-confident, curious and open-minded than your average Joe or Jane back home. This really OUGHT to be a 'target-rich environment'.
Where, then, do the problems come from? I might devote a whole post (or several) to this when (if) my Internet ever starts working properly again (all this midnight-posting is going to kill me soon!).
Transience is a large part of the problem. We know that most of the foreigners here aren't going to be here for very long. That naturally tends to make us more cautious of involvement with, of commitment to other expats we meet here (even as friends), I think.
Perhaps that's just one part of a wider problem of imbalances that we encounter here. It's never promising for a relationship if people are far apart from each other on some basic attitude or belief, or some important circumstance of their lives. The disparities in this place in income, in attitudes towards the country, in attitudes towards the local language and culture (I'm a particularly perverse oddity there: I think I am more genuinely curious about and appreciative of the culture and history than the vast majority of expats here, but the language.... I find myself refusing to learn it, because a) I find it aesthetically unpleasing, and b) it's not practically very useful [oh, yes, and c) it's so bloody HARD to learn!]), in how long people plan to stay - are HUGE.
I need to find someone who is prepared to consider staying here long-term, but isn't going to get hung up on prostituting themselves to MNCs or making obscene 'entrepreneurial' fortunes here.... and isn't going to be a language snob! A tall order!!
Oh, and then there's the whole trust issue, of course. Local girls are so numerous, so supposedly gorgeous (though I find myself almost entirely immune to the alleged appeal), so extravagantly adoring of the Western male, and so direct and determined in trying to snare him, that.... well, foreign women here tend to be very insecure, they tend to assume that all of us foreign men will have (all desire, all seek) a string of local mistresses. It ain't so, but it's very tough to convince anyone of that.
I think I've been misunderstood. Or maybe I did not explain myself sufficiently. Either way, I'll try again:
first, by "natural decline" I was not referring to a physiological state, I was referring to the opportunities. after we "grow up" we have fewer spontaneous interactions with strangers. day in day out we go to the same job, same grocery store, live in the same neighborhood. It's not new and exciting and while we might like the ppl around us, they are not new and maybe not exciting, either. And one would assume that romantic opportunities have already been pursued or we had decided not to pursue romantic opportunities with the people we already know, work with, live next door to.
In contrast, in our youth, we are constantly moving and meeting new ppl at school or new jobs or otherwise. and, added to that constant change is the relative inexperience in relationships - most ppl in their youth have not yet been jaded by the whole process and still feel optimistic and willing to take risks.
So, assuming my descriptions above are correct (and I don't claim that they are complete or applicable to everyone) then if we apply that to an expat environment, i think each situation gets exaggerated.
young ppl who are willing to take risks, do take risks and find it easy to make friends and get into relationships, in general.
ppl with more experience, though they find themselves in new and exciting environments, are less willing to take risks, because they've been there, done that, and think twice about whether they want to do it all over again.
you say your age, experience, and expat way of life do not make you any less willing to explore romantic options, but i do remember reading that your mystery man at the haiku bar told you to make a move on the artist and you decided not to. In the end, she made the move. Remind us why you chose not to make a move?
I agree with your statement that expat ppl "are more daring, eccentric, creative, intelligent, well-educated, self-confident, curious and open-minded than your average Joe or Jane back home. This really OUGHT to be a 'target-rich environment'."
and i agree that transience is part of the problem - I saw that quite often in other cities with high transient populations.
Finally, I'll add that during my first month in this town, other women, who'd lived here for years as expats, and who are at least 10 years older than me, sat me down and laid out the grim reality of their personal lives. They made it sound hard - they said neither they nor their girlfriends had been in serious relationships in years. And all these women are extremely beautiful, intelligent, and fun to spend time with. If I could be a tenth of what they are, I'd be happy. So if they haven't found it, yet, what chance have the rest of us got? But, I obviously chose to stay :)
And on that particular issue, my reason to not get all distressed by their stories had more to do with my experience with friends in other metropolitan cities in the US who are dealing with the same problems. The world is full of amazing women marching into their forties, still looking for that special relationship.
Um, I think I’ve clarified my statements. And I’ve added a few new ones. Obviously, there is much to say on the topic, so if you did do a series of posts on it, I’m sure you’d find plenty to say. Bu, I’ll stop here.
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