There are two types of people

People who like parties, and those who don't

Or perhaps.....

People who like me, and those who don't

Amongst the staggeringly lame excuses I have received for non-attendance at my b'day bash this week have been the following:

I had a flight the next day and had to pack.

(Like, you couldn't have done your packing in a couple of hours, before or after you went to the party?? You see, I am the kind of guy who would happily risk missing a flight in order to go to a good party. I am a party guy. These people are not.)

I had a cold.

(It would have to be a really pretty f***ing serious cold to keep me away from a party. In fact, when I'm really ill, I like an excuse to get out of the house: stops me moping, helps me feel better.)

I got too drunk over the weekend.

(You have no stamina, my friend!)

I broke my foot.

(OK, that's a better one. You have my sympathy. But you're not completely immobile, are you? Come on your crutches!)

You wore me out by keeping me up till 4am last night. And I have a flight tomorrow.

(You wuss!)

I had a pool tournament/trivia quiz/Chinese lesson.

(Christ, people! However important or enjoyable these activities are to you, it's not going to kill you to skip 'em for one week - for the sake of a once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-repeated event like my party. One of the quizzers did at least come along afterwards. I am deeply unimpressed with the rest of you guys.)

You didn't tell me it was your birthday.

(What difference does that make? I told you it was a party, and I really wanted you to come. You stayed away because you don't like parties. Fine. Leave the birthday out of it.)

I had to work late.

(Come on: nobody has to work late. You didn't organise your time well enough earlier in the day. Or you're unwilling to make an early start tomorrow. Or you're too gutless to tell your boss, colleague, client, whatever, that you need more time. Certainly, nobody has to work so late [with the possible exception of lawyers, on occasion] that they can't possibly come out to a party for an hour or two later in the evening.)

I had to work a bit late, and I thought the party would be all over by 9.30pm or so.

(Oh, really - that's just STUPID. If this had been one of my Chinese friends, I could have understood where such an aberration had come from - but it wasn't.)

I forgot.

(Hmmm - you "forgot". Despite the two e-mails last week, and the text message reminder 24 hours before? I'm not exactly top-of-mind with you, am I?)

I fell asleep.

(I'm not even going to comment. Aaaarrrggh......)

Although we had 60 or so people who came along and had a good time, I somehow always get bothered by the 30 who don't show up (after they've promised they would). I should be encouraged by the fact that most of them were at least concerned enough about it to apologise afterwards; that's an important social courtesy. I am pretty pissed off at those who went absent-without-explanation.

However, when the explanations are this f***ing pathetic, I think it makes me feel worse than no explanation at all.

You didn't come. I get it. I understand. I forgive you. I'm disappointed - but at least I'm not irritated-to-hell by some feeble, unconvincing, and utterly, utterly daft excuse.

Next time: no explanations. Never explain, never apologise is a lawyers' motto. I never used to like it; but, in situations like these, I am starting to appreciate the advantages of it.