Sunday, May 17, 2009

Danger Doyle's

A new leading contender for The Dead Pool....


Doyle's opened only a month or so ago, and I can't see it surviving the summer.

Consider: it transgresses a number of the most elementary rules of Great Bar-ness. Fucking stupid name, faux Irish, a divided space (spread over two floors which have no connection with each other at all, effectively creating two identical but separate bars), and IT'S IN A MALL. Upstairs, in a mall.

It's a particularly ugly, pointless, and hard to navigate mall, too - a charmless island of concrete in the middle of a street.

And it gets worse - the place doesn't even have a very clear identity of its own. It's a revamp of a rapidly-failed sports bar called Stadium (a place that folded so fast, I didn't have a chance to visit it even once; neither, apparently, did anyone else!). It is right next to, and shares its entrance/stairwell, with the abysmal bierkellar, Drei Kronen 1308 - which has the more prominent signage, so you're not quite confident you're on your way to the right place. And it's not quite clear where the one bar ends and the next begins: the cramped little patio area (and the small outside seating area downstairs??) appears to be shared between the two of them. And there is perhaps some shared ownership interest: Doyle's is flogging Drei Kronen's homebrew (WHY?? It's not that wonderful, and it's ridiculously expensive - who on earth is going to pay nearly 60 kuai for an unknown brand when you can get a premium import like Stella Artois for 35 kuai??). I would suggest that even proximity to the obviously doomed Drei Kronen is likely to be harmful to trade (the one and only time I tried it, there were two other customers in there; on the several occasions that I have walked past to scope it out, I have seen not a single customer - NOT ONE, ever); the intimation of collaboration or co-ownership could be a kiss-of-death. And, oh yes, Doyle's logo is DD, while Drei Kronen is commonly abbreviated to DK - confused? It's a marketing case study in how-not-to.

It racks up plenty of other black marks as well. Having all the prices end with a 'lucky 8' is an irritating affectation. The pricing in general seems to be curiously pitched. Most items are just slightly more expensive than they are in other comparable bars: enough to discourage budget-conscious punters like me, but not enough to differentiate the bar as a more exclusive, high-end sort of venue. The food, in particular, is pretty ordinary for what they're charging (I tried the burger, which was fairly decent; but it came with a really niggardly portion of fries and no salad; and with a bottle of ketchup but no other condiments - not quite worth 48 kuai, I'm afraid). And when I visited on a Sunday evening a week or two back, there was a table of food outside on the patio untouched - chops, sausages, etc., a lavish spread for a daytime barbecue to which apparently no-one had turned up. Yes, it was covered under clingwrap, but it had evidently been left out for hours in the heat of the day - and you can't help but suspect that they're going to be tempted to re-refrigerate or re-freeze it rather than throw it away. A spectacle like that discourages you from ever trying the food there again.

And if you are going to go after the sports bar niche, it's probably not a great idea to set up within 200 yards of The Den - the longest-established and most popular sports bar in the city (I know, Frank's Place and The Goose & Duck might also bid for those accolades; but they've both been forced to relocate in the last few years; The Den is the only expat sports bar still doing business in its original location, and the only one in the city centre). Doyle's might occasionally pick up some overspill from The Den (or people who are temporarily disaffected with The Den), but it's very unlikely to be able to build up a distinct clientele of its own in that location.

Yes, it's all about location. Too close to The Den and in a mall. Even if it weren't otherwise crap (and, alas, it is), it would be DOOMED.

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