Rounds

A week or so ago, I was briefly rather incensed when a female companion of mine demanded that I bought her a drink - on the grounds that it was allegedly my round.

Yes - ladies, alas, seem to be particularly bad at appreciating the subtle etiquette of round-buying. And this lady, I fear, does have something of a penchant for mooching drinks off people (well, off me, anyway!), albeit subconsciously. So, I was disinclined to cut her any slack on the issue on this occasion.


Well, [deep breaths]..... it was rather worse even than that. She didn't just ask me to buy her a drink, or suggest that it was my round. No, she ordered a drink without consulting me; avoided paying for it (not sure how she managed that, since the waiters in that bar are usually quite punctilious about extracting the cash from you as soon as they deliver a drink); waited for me to order another drink for myself (which was several minutes later, since I was by then on pints of draught to her G & T's, and we had got significantly out of sync); and then, when the waiter brought my drink, she just told him that I'd pay for hers as well - again, without addressing a word to me.

I'm afraid I fairly hit the roof! I think that kind of presumption is downright RUDE, in just about any circumstance. It certainly goes against what I understand to be the etiquette of mutual round-buying.


But that etiquette is rather subtle, and perhaps not universally accepted. I was brought up in a distant time and place, when concepts of social obligation ran rather deeper than they seem to today.

So, I will try to lay down what I see as being the essence of the round-buying culture.

And it is simply this: there is no entitlement.

It doesn't matter how long you've been buying rounds for each other, or how many rounds you think you are 'ahead' of someone else. Their choice to buy or not buy a drink for you (or anyone else in the group) is entirely up to them. Hopefully, generosity, the spirit of reciprocal good-feeling engendered by round-buying, and a sense of decency/obligation (if they really are 'behind', if they really do 'owe' you one, or more) will induce them to do so. But you cannot ask (well, not unless they are really egregiously mooching off other people). And you certainly cannot assume that they should pay for drinks you have ordered without reference to them.

Every time someone buys you a drink, you should be grateful (even if it was their 'turn' - and then some). Every time someone fails to buy you a drink (even though it is pretty clearly their 'turn'), you should try to forgive and forget (though if you notice that this is something they do regularly, you probably shouldn't be friends with them).

Things get messy after a while. People are buying different drinks. Prices vary in different bars. Some drinks may have been 'outside' of the 'round' system (someone 'treating' everyone to a shot, for example). Some people may have shelled out for things like taxis, a shared pack of cigarettes, or some food (in Beijing, it's quite common during a late-night bar session to send out for rou chuanr, the mini lamb kebabs which are the ubiquitous street snack; but that's usually regarded as a minor 'treat', since you really have to eat a heck of a lot of chuanr to rack up even the cost of a Tsingtao). It's just impossible to keep an exact account of who's paid what, and who might 'owe' the next round.

And that's the whole point. You don't try. The beauty of the round-buying culture is that it is founded on the twin principles of generosity and decency.

You don't mind if you end up spending a bit more than other people, because you enjoy buying things for your friends.

You do feel bad if you spend much less than other people, because you know it is very bad to be a mooch.

That's it - the thing has to be self-policing. As soon as you start trying to keep minute track of who's paid what, and who's owed what, and who ought to be buying the next drink, it just becomes an accounting exercise, and all the good feeling is dispelled.

Now, as I mentioned above, it may on occasion be possible to discuss the question of who should buy the next drinks, without completely destroying the mood. But that's the key thing - discussion. You must never, never, NEVER order a drink on someone else's tab without running it by them first.

That ought not to be rocket science. But, ah, young people today! I despair of them sometimes....