Set the controls for the heart of URANUS

Regrettably, I failed to contrive a rendezvous with Dapper Dan during my recent holiday in the States (he had recently returned there for work, and was living not too far away from my host, The British Cowboy): we were both without mobile phones, and had only intermittent e-mail access, so making arrangements to meet was tricky.

As a cocktail aficionado, the Dapper one was intrigued to try out a "speakeasy" cocktail bar in Alexandria about which he'd heard some buzz, and he enlisted my help (as the man with the "expert knowledge" in that locale) to discover exactly where the place was.

This wasn't completely straightforward, since the joint is wilfully secretive (closed half the week for private parties; no sign outside; only a discreet blue lantern to draw attention to the otherwise unmarked, residential-looking doorway; only a silly pirate flag flying outside the parent restaurant next door to announce whether or not it is open). Moreover, most of the online listings I found for it which purported to provide maps of its location were a block or two wide of the mark. And it doesn't even have its own website - only once you've established that it's an offshoot of a grandiose fish & chip restaurant called Eamonn's can you find their website and then click on the PX (for such, apparently, is the name of this clandestine cocktail lounge) button on the bottom right of the main page.

After this rigmarole, I confess I was already getting pretty irritated with the place. The owners, I discovered, are responsible for a number of other rather pretentiously upscale F&B ventures in the neighbourhood: Eve's (which, I'm told, is in fact a pretty good restaurant; and offers the same cocktails as PX at rather more affordable prices) and The Majestic (which has always disappointed and horrified me, since its outward appearance is that of a classic American diner - but everything on the menu costs about three times as much as it would in a diner); and then the chip shop to which PX is attached is - to give it its full, ludicrous, name - Eamonn's - A Dublin Chipper. My abhorrence of faux Irish bars is by now well-known; my abhorrence of faux Irish "restaurants" is, I discover, even stronger. I don't think anyone involved in this venture is from Dublin, much less called Eamonn. And is there anything particularly distinctive about the Irish way - let alone the Dublin way - of cooking or serving chips? And do they really call a chip shop "a chipper" in those parts?? I've never come across the usage. And I'd hazard that I've eaten a lot more chips in Dublin than the owners of this place. To me, this all just screams wanky.

Nonetheless..... DD was very keen to give the place a try. And I am partial to a cocktail once in a while. I was open to persuasion. It could be a special night out, my one big blowout of the holiday....

But then I learned some more about the place. Most of the people I met in Alexandria had heard of it, but never actually been to it - which started to seem like a bad sign in itself. Two of my oldest friends, though, had been; and they had formed a severely negative impression of it. Apparently, there is a two-drink minimum - and the cheapest drinks are around $15 (with many of the cocktails being $20-$30, or even more). Furthermore, there seems to be a surreptitious cover charge - at least if you want a table or a booth (the place is allegedly getting so popular that reservations are de rigueur); the website doesn't make it clear whether this also applies if you just want to sit at the bar. One of my friends complained of having gone there a second time with a group of girlfriends and finding herself charged something like $30 per person just for sitting down (a rather paltry canapé tray of hams and cheeses was definitely not worth this imposition, she protested).

Now, the friends in question here are amongst the most affluent I know, so their fretting over the prices was not just a product of penury or thrift. They simply felt that it was far too expensive for what was on offer. I have since canvassed a few other people on this too, and I have found them all in agreement: those prices are just crazy. Most have suggested that prices like that could sometimes be justified - but for that, you'd typically expect stunning decor, superb wait service, classy (free and unlimited) nibbles, and some decent live jazz. None of which PX has.

And the clincher for me was this. I discovered in the course of my online researches that the head barman there makes his own tonic water. Now that is quite pretentious enough. Why on earth would you bother to do something like that? Why not pay more attention to infusing your gins and vodkas with some unique flavours? But then.... the guy warns potential punters that he will be displeased if you "just order a gin and tonic". Why go to all the bother of making your own tonic water if you're then going to discourage people from trying it?! Does not compute. And, while I can see that a gin & tonic is not really a cocktail as such, and that the barman might prefer you to choose more exotic drinks, both to feed his retirement fund and to fully exert his professional skills..... well, a bar owner really can't tell his customers what to drink. A gin & tonic is a classic sundown drink, the most popular mixed drink in the world - and if you're going to get snooty with me if I try and order one in your bar.... then, guess what - I'm NOT going to come to your bar.

That is pretension taken to stratospheric levels.

I was grateful that our communication difficulties prevented Dapper Dan and I from following through on our plan to mount an expedition to the PX Cocktail Lounge. I daresay he'll get around to trying it on his own one day, and I look forward to his report. I, at present, find it impossible to conceive of having a pleasurable experience in a place that's that far up its own bum.