Thursday, May 13, 2010

Some new Bar Awards categories

I'm planning to go to the prize-giving bash for The Beijinger Bar & Club Awards 2010 tonight (planning, hoping.... of course, the bouncers may exclude me if they suss who I am!).

Since awards of this kind in Beijing are always a bit of a sham and a shambles, I'd like to suggest a few new categories of awards they could use in the future.... so that the organisers could make absolutely sure that anyone who did somehow manage to cast a vote knew exactly who they were expected to vote for.

Here, then, are my alternative awards for tonight....

New Hotel Bar That's Spending Most Money On Its PR Budget

Winner: Xiu
(Of course. I don't know many people who've been there even once. And it's too stratospherically expensive for most people to consider going there more than once. Yet it's managed to get itself nominated in numerous categories in The Beijinger's phony awards. A fine piece of hyping!)

Best Russian Nightclub In A Basement (In Yabao Center)

Winner: Chocolate
(Of course. If we didn't add that final rider, there is a chance that some people might - quite justifiably - cast their votes for Absenta or Elephant II instead. Chocolate probably draws more of a mixed crowd, but I prefer the more predominantly Russian clientele, the air of middle-aged ennui and casual criminality that permeates those other two.)

'Bar' That Spends The Most Money Hyping Its Burgers (In Solana)

Winner: All-Star
(Without that rider, I suppose Blue Frog might be in with a shout - but I really don't think they've done nearly as much money on PR and promotion as All-Star.)

Best Hip-Hop Nightclub In Solana

Winner: Bling
(The only way to make sure they win something. And a label guaranteed three times over to ensure that I never set foot in the place!)

Most Over-The-Top Decor Designed By Philippe Starck

Winner: Lan
(Lan obviously craves the 'Best Decor' awards, expects them as of right, but sometimes misses out. I think I've identified the problem.)

Most Well-Established Cocktail Bar That's Too Busy For Its Own Good At The End Of The Week

Winner: Q Bar

New Cocktail Bar That's Managed To Alienate Most People With Its Pretentiousness And Poor Management

Winner: Apothecary
(I can't see them winning anything else.)

Hardest-To-Find Japanese (Not Taiwanese) Whisky Bar

Winner: Ichikura

Hardest-To-Find Taiwanese (Not Japanese) Whisky Bar

Winner: Lucky Man

Hardest-To-Find Mongolian (Not Japanese Or Taiwanese) Whisky Bar

Winner: Amilal
(Alus deserves to win something for creating this little piece of heaven in the hutongs.)

Best Bar That's Also A Library

Winner: The Bookworm

Bar With Most Permanently Wrecked Owner

Winner: Tryst
(Is there any competition?)

Music Bar That Most Laowai Have Heard Of Outside Of Wudaokou

Winner: Yugong Yishan
(You see, I wouldn't mind them winning stuff if it were actually appropriate...)

Music Bar That Most Laowai Have Heard Of In Wudaokou

Winner: D-22

Best New Bar In The Workers' Stadium Complex

Winner: Fubar

And finally.....

Most Promising New Bar That's Opened Too Recently To Be Considered In This Year's Awards But Will Be Too Old For The 'New Bar' Category Next Year And Probably Won't Be Quite Good Enough For 'Best Bar'

Winner: 1st Floor

What's that you say? Where's the element of surprise? You're expecting to be surprised tonight??


The Weeble said...

Amilal is not hard enough to find, to my lasting regret. I've told Alc he's going to need to move.

Some more categories -- I seem to have an invite to the awards show too; I trust that the booze will be free enough that at some point during the event we'll be able to rush the stage and announce these?

Best Bar for People Who Do Not Actually Read But Are Working on Novels About English Teachers in China:

The Bookworm.

Best Bar for Devotees of Omphaloskepsis and Coprophagia:


Best Solution for All of the Bars on the List:

Nuke from orbit.

Froog said...

Good to hear from you, Weebs.

I thought only I was that down on D-22. I can't imagine you ever venturing that far afield.

See you tonight. Are you going with Alc?

Apparently the venue is quite hard to find - pretty much directly opposite the Shuangjing Carrefour, but quite some way down a crappy, unmetalled alley.

gary said...

Love the idea, but most of the individual gags pass me by.

I've been gone less than two years but already I'm completely out of touch. I haven't heard of any of these places!

Froog said...

Yes, Gary, I suppose there has been even more innovation than usual in Beijing over the last year or two - and so little of it for the good.