Dating in Beijing (1): the special circumstances

My sometime 'commenter-in-chief', Tulsa, claims that I have promised her that I will write some advice for expat women on the dating scene here in Beijing. I have absolutely no recollection of this, but she insists that it is so - so I suppose I'd better humour her.

I have already quipped that, given my own dismal romantic record in this city, having me dole out dating advice is a bit like having Timur the Great discourse on humanitarian aid. And I certainly don't feel that I have any great insight into dating from the female perspective! I can only attempt to analyse my own experience of trying to find romance in Beijing, and hope that we can extrapolate from that some of the difficulties faced in this endeavour on the other side of the gender divide.

A further initial disclaimer, before I get started: I don't like the word 'dating', I've never really understood the concept (as I have previously recounted here). In the UK, we prefer the term 'going out with' - but that is a little cumbersome; and since the person who "commissioned" this post is American, we'll run with the American word 'dating'........ just this once. I don't expect to be making a habit of it.

So, to begin, what are the special features of the dating scene in China today, or more specifically in Beijing, for us Western expats?

1) A Hothouse Intimacy - Even with the numbers of (non-Asian) expats in the city now running to many tens of thousands (at least 3 or 4 times as many as there were when I first arrived here 6 years ago), it's still a very intense, close-knit sort of community. Even though the number of foreigner-oriented bars & restaurants now runs into the hundreds rather than just a few dozen, there are only ever a handful that are very good or very popular - so the nightlife scene here can at times seem a very small world indeed. You keep on bumping into the same people all over town (good if you're pursuing them as a potential interest; bad if you're trying to avoid them as a doomed prospect, a painful disappointment, an ex-from-hell). Everyone seems to know everybody else's business. It can be very difficult to keep a relationship discreet in its early stages. It can be very difficult even to get a relationship off the ground, since it is almost impossible ever to get someone you fancy on their own, detached from their usual busy social life, their inevitable circle of friends.

2) Transience and Uncertainty - Expats rarely seem to know how long they're going to be here for. Even if they think they know, they often change their minds very suddenly. And most of them are not here for very long. Many who come here to study will only be around for one year, or less. Staff at most of the Embassies rotate every 2 or 3 years. Many MNCs follow a similar policy. I would guess that 3 years is the average stint for most people, and fairly few stick around for much longer than 5 years. It's difficult to develop a serious long-term relationship in such a volatile, short-term environment.

3) The Competition - There tend to be more men than women in the expat community (though I think the numbers have been rapidly evening up in the last few years, and might be getting quite close to parity now). And - loath as I am to use what I regard as an unlovely and somewhat racist term - there is some basis to what is widely known as the 'Yellow Fever' phenomenon; which is to say that many Western guys seem to have a particular weakness for Oriental girls, and will sometimes develop an exclusive preference for them, completely forsaking women of their own or other ethnicities. Again, I don't think this is nearly as pronounced as it used to be, and Western women are perhaps inclined to exaggerate the extent of the problem. When I first visited China 14 years ago, there were rarely more than a few hundred foreigners in any one place, and often only a few dozens, even in quite large towns and cities; and they were almost all men. In those circumstances, the compelling fascination with Chinese women was fostered by the absence of any other options. Now that the expat community in Beijing is so much bigger than it was a few years ago, and more evenly gender-mixed, I think it is becoming far more common for male and female expats to socialise together and to date each other.

However, it remains true that a lot of Western men do have a preference for Chinese girls. Some like their petite, almost childlike physiques. Some perhaps like their glossy black hair. And some undoubtedly like the unfamiliar directness and intensity of their flirting, the relentlessness of their flattery, the singlemindedness with which they tend to pursue a man they are interested in. Some Western women develop a similar fascination with Chinese men (or make a conscious, more-head-than-heart decision to date Chinese men in order to help them learn the language), but this does seem to be far, far rarer. So, yes, there is somewhat of an imbalance in the dating pool between the numbers of available expat females and males.

4) The Age Gap - I think one of the most significant impacts of Chinese culture on the expat dating scene may be the inflated expectations it tends to inculcate in us men as to how young a girl it may be possible or reasonable or seemly for us to try to date. In Chinese culture, age is good; traditional values encourage women to select a husband based on status and financial stability rather than good looks or youthful vigour. Well, that's what people keep telling me, anyway. While China is unlikely ever to garner the sleazy 'sex tourism' reputation of Thailand, it is becoming known as a 'marriage tourism' destination. Beijing is awash with failed businesmen who have come here in their middle-age, often their late middle-age, sometimes indeed in old age, largely because they know that they can still find a wife or girlfriend here who is much, much younger than them. The last time I was in the British Consular Offices renewing my passport, I checked out all the notices of upcoming weddings: without exception, they were British guys marrying Chinese girls; the smallest age gap was about 10 or 12 years; most were between 15 and 25 years apart; the largest gap was 37 years!

I think this is the aspect of the common 'Chinese preference' that causes the most difficulty - expat women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s often feel insecure because they believe that men of their age will naturally prefer, and can readily find, someone younger than them.

And I fear that this probably encourages us 'dirty old men' to look at the younger end of the market even among expat women. We get used to having Chinese girls of 22 show an interest in us, and we start to think that Western girls of that age should as well. And we might sometimes be right: the disparity in numbers, the oft complained-of "shortage of decent men" here, tends to work in our favour, increases our pulling power. Back in the UK, I'd rarely look twice at a girl under 30 (as much because I'd doubt if she had that much interesting to talk about as because I'd know I had absolutely no chance), but here.....

5) The Unseen Barriers - I have discussed before in comment-strings (though I can't now remember where) that one of the biggest problems in the expat dating scene here is mismatched interests or expectations. Of course, that can be an obstacle to any relationship anywhere. But the range of things that can cause such tension, and sometimes downright incompatibility, does seem to be much increased here - though often people seem to be naive or unself-aware about these things.

Socio-economic stratification is very much intensified; but it is often disguised by the fact that people from all income brackets often hang out in the same places. There are some businessmen here and senior managers of MNCs who are rich beyond the dreams of avarice. And then there are a lot of students, backpackers, and EFL teachers who are mostly dirt poor. And there's a whole range in between. There can't be many places in the world where people from those extremes of the income scale might regularly rub shoulders together at the same bar. I would guess that most of my friends here make less than $2,000 per month, and some perhaps make less than $1,000. But there may be others who make $5,000 or $10,000 or $20,000 - it never seems polite to ask. Oh, but if you're dating someone, it can very quickly become an issue.

Then, there's the question of 'commitment' to China - why did you come, how long do you want to stay, how interested are you in the culture? Serious divergences on these matters will often prove fatal to a relationship. Two particular problem areas here, I think, are one's attitude to the government & the economy, and one's attitude to learning the language. China-optimists these days seem to be in the majority. I tend more towards the sceptic end of the scale myself (though not to the extent of the comically extreme doomsaying of the notorious Nanheyangrouchuan), but I don't mind the optimists so long as they don't get too militant about it. Many, however, veer towards an everything-in-China-is-lovely fantasy and become naive apologists for the Communist government; and they are often rabidly intolerant of any more critical viewpoint. I like to think of myself as an enlightened sceptic/very cautious optimist/China-basher-as-appropriate; people who are too far to either side of that point in the spectrum tend to get on my tits, and doubtless I get on theirs. Strange that this should have become such a fundamental aspect of our self-definition here; I rarely find 'political' disagreements causing such friction in the UK or the USA.

Similarly with learning the Chinese language - many who've made the effort to acquire a decent proficiency in it become proselytizing zealots, viciously disdainful of us lazier types who have decided it's really not worth the bother. They seem to resent our very existence.... as if our perpetual reminder of the fact that it is perfectly possible to function in daily life here with a few dozen words and a lot of smiling-and-pointing makes them question whether the agonies they went through to learn the language were really worth it. Yep, disparity in Chinese language skills is another huge, though often unsuspected, stumbling block in expat relationships.

There seems to be a lot of ideological polarization in the kinds of employment people find here as well. Again, this is probably becoming more common the world over, but it seems to show up in especially stark relief here: many people seem to be working for NGOs or boutique environmental consultancies; many people work for banks and oil companies and such; never the twain!

So, dating in Beijing can be rife with difficulties - especially for the ladies - that you don't necessarily find (or, not to such a marked degree) in most other places. Tomorrow (or sometime soon-ish) I will write further on this topic, attempting to give some advice on how to overcome these problems. Yes, I shall share with you what I look for in a woman and where I would go to look for a woman.

I bet you can hardly wait......