Dating in Beijing (2): my advice for the ladies

I have already apologised for the monumental - not to say ludicrous - presumption involved in this post, but I figure I had better do so again. Remember, it is Tulsa's fault.

My Tips For Expat Women Looking For A Date

(not with me, you understand, because..... well, I'm booked up months in advance; just, you know, generally looking for a date)

1) Try to get over your insecurities. It's true, there aren't that many good men around. Lots of men are gay. Lots of men are in steady relationships. Lots of men prefer Chinese women. Lots of men prefer younger women. But not all. There are still a lot of nice, available guys out there. You really don't help your chances by obsessing about all of these limiting factors, by convincing yourself that there is no-one worth your interest. This, I think, has been the major problem that I have encountered during my years in Beijing - the overwhelming negativity of so many expat women, the suspicion and the lack of self-confidence, the resentment, the bitterness, the distrust, often the downright hostility they seem to have towards Western men. It's not all of you, by any means, but it does happen quite a lot.

2) Be aware of the potential 'hidden' incompatibilities. I discussed these in my first Dating post yesterday: disparity in income, disparity in Chinese language ability, disparity in attitude towards China, disparity in personal ideologies, disparity in how committed you are to staying here, how long you intend to be around. If you are properly aware of these things from the outset, you may be able to find ways of working around them; but if you blunder into a new relationship incautiously, things like this will often prove to be dealbreakers.

3) Be aware of other potential problems. The things I highlighted under point 2) above are specific to the China expat experience; but you shouldn't overlook the other major sources of potential incompatibility that would be a problem anywhere else in the world. When I mentioned 'personal ideologies' above I was thinking primarily of what kind of work you do and why you've chosen to be in China; but let's not forget that your views on your domestic politics and on international affairs, your religious beliefs, and other stands of principle (like vegetarianism or teetotalism) can also be an obstacle to romantic bliss. Heck, these days some people will reject you for the size of your carbon footprint. And that's before we even get on to what we might call the 'second order dealbreakers' like taste in films and music. Life is tough. Tough, but not hopeless. So long as you are aware of these issues, you can usually begin to find a path to compromise. But if you only like jazz and the guy you're talking to has made it clear that he's exclusively into heavy metal..... you'd probably do better to give up and move on to someone else.

4) Analyse your own 'weak points'. You're wonderful, of course you are, and I want you to project more poise and self-assurance, not less. But..... it is worth trying to work out why you don't always meet as many men as you'd like or have them fall wildly in love with you or have the relationships last or whatever. Some of the problems might be purely practical, and therefore have the potential for change: e.g., maybe you work such crazy hours that you can't keep up a regular social life; or maybe you live in an unfashionable part of town and it's sometimes too much trouble to come all the way to Sanlitun or Houhai to meet up with people; or maybe you devote a lot of time to a severely uncool hobby like basket-weaving or yodelling that doesn't get you out of the house and meeting people (hey, have an uncool hobby if you want to, that's fine with me; I'm just saying, be aware of the ways it may impact negatively on other areas of your life). Then again, other problem areas might be aspects of your behaviour or personality; it's harder to change things like this; but not impossible. If you tend to be very domineering in conversations or to always laugh at your own jokes or to tell long boring stories about your Great Aunt Dora...... well, it might be worth considering a little attempt at some behaviour modification.

5) Get out there and meet people. The expat community is extraordinarily open and welcoming, supportive and friendly. It's one of the things I most love about living here: you can strike up a conversation with a stranger almost anywhere. And it is a target-rich environment. There are lots of like-minded people out here, lots of people like you. Well, the mere fact that they're here gives you a superficial something in common immediately. But the reasons why people come to a place like this are selecting for compatibility in all sorts of ways. You're unusually bright and well-educated, right? Perhaps a little, or more than a little creative? Also perhaps a tad unconventional and rebellious? Curious, adventurous, self-reliant? Of course you are - that's why you're here. And so are most of the other people here.

6) Be realistic, honest, and self-aware about what you want in a man. If you despise English teachers, don't waste time flirting with them. If money (or ambition or career-plan) are important for you, focus your attention on the high-end bars and restaurants where the bankers and property developers are more likely to hang out. If you're hoping to find a long-term relationship, don't get involved with someone you know is going to leave in 6 months (that's really not enough time to establish something on a long-term footing).

I honestly believe that Beijing is a great environment for meeting interesting people, making lots of new friends, and potentially finding a 'soul mate' (heck, I sometimes find 2 or 3 a year - but they're generally involved with other people!). You just have to make the effort to meet people, to get to know them, to allow a relationship to grow. And you have to be open to the possibilities, not pessimistic and embittered. Yes - Western men are often promiscuous sleazebags who will cheat on you with 5 different Chinese girls before the end of the month. But it ain't necessarily so - hope for the best, don't always be imagining the worst.

Avoiding negativity is thus my overriding top piece of advice. My second most important tip is Make the time to see people; don't be a slave to your job! A true story by way of illustration: a very beautiful woman that I had long maintained a flirtatious e-mail friendship with but very seldom actually saw, surprised me by suddenly showing up to a party of mine a summer or two ago (more of a lads' night out boozing than anything very genteel, I'm afraid). She spent most of the evening chatting rather flirtatiously with one of my friends, and I was stung by a slight pang of jealousy. Later that night or the next day he told me, "Man, you are such an idiot. She was talking about you the whole night. Apparently, she's always really fancied you and is miffed that you've never asked her out." Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather! Unfortunately, she left China very shortly afterwards. The thing is, I had tried to ask her out. At least 6 or 8 times. And I'd been told every single bloody time that she was "too busy with work" - so I had, you know, inferred that she didn't like me in that way, and I had given up asking.

This is a surprisingly common phenomenon in Beijing: women who are so caught up in their jobs that they lose touch with reality a little, start to neglect the social niceties. So, please, ladies, if a nice guy asks you out, and you really are absolutely too busy to accept - you can at least turn him down nicely and suggest a rain check.