Dating in Beijing (3): what I look for in a woman

Well, having risen to Tulsa's challenge and covered the unique challenges of the Beijing scene, and given my encouragement and advice to the expat ladies of the city, it is now time to review my own situation in the light of some of the observations on these previous two posts.



What am I looking for in a woman?

1) Someone who is not too far from my own age. I jested earlier about being encouraged by the Beijing dating environment to consider twenty-year-olds, but..... it would have to be a really exceptional twenty-something (and nothing much younger than late twenties, I think) to hold my interest. I've been attracted to women in their thirties ever since I was in my early twenties; that hasn't changed. These days, I am prepared to cast the net a little wider, to consider women of my own age or maybe even a little older (the early to mid-forties); but basically 30-40 is my target zone.

2) Someone who isn't a Language Nazi. I am always terribly impressed - sometimes swooningly so - by women who have achieved a very high level in their Mandarin skills. But, as I observed before, people this proficient in the language are often savagely intolerant of indolent bumblers like me who get by with the 'Lonely Planet' phrasebook. Tolerance is good, I think; a key quality of personality that I look for in any woman I may become interested in.

3) Someone who isn't a happy-clappy Sinophile or an embittered China-basher. I place myself somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, but with a heavy dash more scepticism and criticism than everything-in-the-garden-is-wonderful optimism. It is difficult to coexist comfortably with someone who diverges too far from that outlook.

4) Someone who is likely to stay here long-term. I am very settled here now. I have a pretty good life, plenty of work, some fantastic friends. I can't imagine being able to enjoy such a good quality of life anywhere else in the world. I would be very reluctant to relocate (I did consider it briefly - in a rather hypothetical way - when I was dating an American grad student a few years back; but I fear it was never a very likely outcome). Thus, women who have any sort of terminal date for their sojourn here - even if it's 3 years hence - are not an appealing match for me.

5) Someone who shares my interests. I'm all for compromise and being tolerant of and curious about and inspired by difference, but..... in some things there's only so much difference you can take - and it's not very much. I remember reading an interview with Quentin Tarantino once where he said, "When I'm getting serious about a girl, I always take her to see Rio Bravo. And she'd better f***ing like it!" I once showed a girl I was dating Harold & Maude; and, despite her being well aware that it was a film I absolutely loved, she was emphatically unimpressed with it - that's not good for a relationship. Similarly, I can't imagine having a relationship with someone who doesn't read (a lot); or with someone who doesn't like Tom Waits; or with someone who does like rap music.

6) Someone who doesn't have incompatible beliefs. I am a passionate atheist. Religions annoy me. Anyone with very strong religious beliefs (at least in one of the more obviously theistic religions) is very unlikely to be able to get along with me. These days, vegetarianism and teetotalism (and not wearing leather or fur, extreme recycling, etc.) have become new forms of religion. I do not at all disapprove of any of these things per se; quite the contrary. However, these are not superficial lifestyle choices; they are prompted by fundamental issues of principle. I happen not to have adopted those principles in my life; so I'm never going to feel very comfortable around someone who has - there will be a constant uneasiness that at some level they disapprove of me, a constant regret that I cannot share my pleasures with them (I appreciate all the arguments against alcohol and meat - but for me they are instantly defeated by a good steak and a fine whisky), perhaps even a gnawing of guilt that I have not been strong-willed enough to embrace these worthy ideals myself. And I tried dating a vegetarian once - it wasn't fun (although this was the same girl who didn't get Harold & Maude, so it wasn't just my carnivore-guilt that undid us).

7) Someone who isn't too much shorter than me. I'm 6' 3". I have a weak back. I don't like bending down too far to kiss someone. The shortest girl I ever dated - by a good 2 or 3 inches - was about 5' 5" (I think her vegetarianism may have stunted her growth). Most of the girls I've loved have been around 5' 9" or 5' 10". One or two have been over 6'. This is a very hard thing for me to compromise on.

8) Beauty, brains, personality, wit, excellent English (not always to be relied on even with native speakers!) - and, of course, absence of madness. Yes, I want it all! Must be a good kisser also - which lets most English girls out, I'm afraid.

It becomes easier to see now, doesn't it, why I have been single so often and for so long?

Of course, it is points 1) and 7) that militate so powerfully against me finding a Chinese girlfriend. There is still a very strong cultural norm in China that girls get married in their early or mid-twenties; so, there are very, very few single Chinese women around in their thirties. And there are very, very few Chinese women taller than about 5' 4" - I'd develop a painful stoop in no time if I tried to date someone that height. I am sometimes accused of having a racial prejudice against Chinese girls. That is just not true. I have had very many female Chinese friends, and some of them I have found very, very pretty - but I seldom or never come across a Chinese girl who is the right age and the right height for me.

So, if you are, or happen to know someone who meets the 8 criteria above, please drop me a line in the comments below.

Or, if you think I'm going to die a bachelor and deservedly so, you can tell me that as well. I can take it.